TOTES!!!

Attention all:

I was recently informed that "totes" was heard on an episode of The Hills. Let me make this perfectly clear, my gift to the world, the word "totes" was created long before The Hills used it. Here is the blog I wrote about the lifecycle of TOTES on March 12, 2008 and a link to it as proof:
Also, to the foot soldiers, thank you for all of your efforts...I think we did this without Fergie...but not without all of you!

I now present the theory, evolution, and life cycle forecast of.....TOTES!

The Theory

Simply stated, the definition of totes is an abbreviated form of totally. Functionally, it decreases the user’s syllable usage from three to one whenever the word replaces totally. This has several advantages. The first is efficiency based. While using one syllable instead of three, the user will benefit from noticably higher energy. This does assume that the user’s diet and excersize routine does not vary during the conversion. The second is similar, and equally as important. While using this shortened word, the user will appear to be exerting less energy, and therefore will appear very casual. In other words, it can be used as slang to appear hip, trendy, or any such descriptions. The final benefit is applicable more to early adopters of totes. Right now, totes is in the developmental stages. It has flaws, but the people that take a chance on it will not be disappointed. Now, I will discuss the evolution of totes.

Evolution

In it’s early stages, totes was an idea that was used as an inside joke of sorts. From this point forward, I will refer to the group of people involved in the evolution of totes as "foot soldiers". The foot soldiers quickly realized how easy, convinient, and fun it was to say totes. The earliest examples of it being used involved a question, with the response being totes.
Example:

Jill: Tom, are you coming to our Super Bowl party?
Tom: Totes.

Not long after, we realized it could be used for anything that was "totally badass" or "totally bitchin".
Example:

Tom: Did you see that catch that Braylon just made?
Pat: Yeah, that catch was totes!

As you can see, this latest development opens totes to a multitude of interpretations and uses. The versatility of totes has amazed even the most loyal of the foot soldiers. It has literally invaded our vocabularies to the point of blatant totes usage at our places of employment. This was the step that took totes past the "inside joke" level. Now that the heritage of totes has been explained, the future of totes is in all of your hands.

The Future

The immediate future of totes depends on the level of aggressiveness of marketing by the foot soldiers. Here in the Boise area, there are totes users from Nampa to Mountain Home. Through foot soldiers located in other states, totes has reached Utah, Montana, and probably North Dakota in the very near future. North Dakota is the key to this entire plan.
Josh Duhamel, star of NBC’s Las Vegas, is from North Dakota. He visits the state for friends’ weddings and other such occasions. As you may or may not know, Josh is dating the well known musical performer, Fergie. As Josh and Fergie’s travels take them to North Dakota, they will become familiar with and advocates of totes. Fergie is known for her unique style of music and lyrical prowess. It is only a matter of time before totes is in one of her songs. At this point, it would not be an exaggeration to say that totes is "main stream" and "kind of a big deal".
As it is now engrained in pop culture, totes will make appearances with Paris Hilton, Hannah Montana, and most importantly Kanye West. Kanye is also known for his unique verbal craftsmanship, and will no doubt use totes in more than one song on his newest single, Master’s Degree (Look at me). Totes is now legendary, but as the saying goes, what goes up must come down.
After peaking with the Louis Vitton Don, totes will begin the sharp decline into pop culture icon-hood. Much like the popular slang phrases of the past, (rad, gnarly, dope, fly, phat, skins) totes will saturate the slang market to the point that the early adopters will start to desert it. (see: Panic! At The Disco, whose new album comes out March 25) This stage will take totes to the masses again, but this time in the form of keychains, pink pajamas that are sparkly, can coozies, monster truck names (Totes Destuction), and neon colored tank tops. All of these items will be available at KMart and local dollar stores.
I realize that as devoted totes users, you all don’t want this to happen. Totes is going to happen, and we all just have to adapt to that reality, and ride the wave. Remember, totes will always be around, just look for the fanny pack on the guy wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey at Winco in March.

Thank you to all of the loyal foot soldiers.

Tom

Roald Dahl's Infinite Wisdom

According to answers.com, a ninja is "A member of a class of 14th-century Japanese mercenary agents who were trained in the martial arts and hired for covert operations such as assassination and sabotage."

Keeping that definition in mind, I recall this story: When I woke up this morning, I could already tell I was in a better mood than I had been in a while. I thought about it on the 30 minute drive in to work. The answer was easy, I am getting close to the end of the semester.

But, I still have a ton of shit to do. Why am I feeling relieved already? Thought about it all day. I went to class and turned in yet another group case analysis.

On the way home, as I shifted lanes (rap reference), I came (sex reference)...to a shocking realization. I know exactly how to explain this feeling. (upcoming 1971 movie reference). I almost can't believe how accurate this is to how I feel...

OK, that meets my criterion; a rap reference, a sex reference, and a 1971 movie reference. I'm out.

Let's look back at one of the most classic movies of all time, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. You know, Charlie and his crusty grandpa, all of the other spoiled bastards cruising through the factory breaking all of the rules and getting Oompa Loompa'd straight out of that joint.

Charlie and Grandpa Joe break a rule by drinking the Fizzy Lifting Drinks, and they start floating upward toward the big fan. They figure out that the way to get down is to start burping.

The practical application is this: I am Charlie. The Fizzy Lifting Drink is another painful semester in the MBA program, and after committing, I continue to rise to an unbelievable land of shitty moods. What can save me?? Burping my way through big milestone type assignments. Every group presentation, every case analysis, every test...I get closer to the ground level.

The ground level, where people actually enjoy my company. The ground level, where my mom calls me instead of Katie, because currently she "doesn't want to bother, because he's too grumpy".

WAR Financial responsibility and that all those people out there that drink Fuzzy Lifting Drinks finally learn how to burp...

Take your white wig off.

The following is based on facts of my own life. The details have been generalized to protect my own shortcomings.

You are cruising in the left most lane down the Interstate at approximately 4-6 mph over the posted speed limit. You come up on one of those Lexus SUVs obeying the speed limit, and audibly bitch about how this is the 'fast lane'. When you finally get to pass this hag, you look over to see a woman on her cell phone.

What are your thoughts?

Mine, are that I really would like to get home, and the Boise version of 'Desperate Housewives' is taking her sweet ass time to get home, and in the meantime, costing me precious seconds at home. But is that fair to the hag in the Lexus? All joking aside, I often have to slow my frustration fueled mind to realize that I have no idea who that woman is talking to and what is happening in her life

True. She could be talking to her BFF about cheating on her husband and scrap booking. But, she could also be on the phone with her family doctor talking about her son that is in surgery right now. It seems that I have learned that I don't know know what its like to sit in another person's driver's seat. It is easy to assume sometimes, but really, I don't know. I know my driver's seat feels like and I know what the view from that seat is. But I have no idea what anyone else's seat feels like.

At this point, you should realize that I am retelling a couple of old life lessons put together. The recipe is two cups of 'Don't judge a book by its cover' and a pinch of something about walking in someone else's shoes. My version...don't think you understand someone's view until your ass is in his/her driver's seat.That is my view of what is behind me, and I can only imagine what people were thinking as I swerved all over the Interstate trying to take a picture through my side mirror. What they don't realize is that if I don't write this blog, my entire family will be stoned to death. See?...see how easy it is assume things without knowing the whole situation?

The point is, people need to take their white wigs off, and stop judging. Also, I bought a pipe and an Idaho Lottery Raffle Ticket at the Big Smoke on Broadway the other day. Also, I have a Snuggie. Also, here is a picture of me at work rocking a Snuggie and working a pipe. Cheers and I appreciate your support. WAR Financial responsibility, pipes, and A HUGE BOISE STATE WIN TOMORROW!