FAQ

Factually Accurate Quips?  Foreign Assignment Queries?  Functionally Allowed Quantities?  Flying African Quails?  Family Activity Quotas?  Formidable ......enough.  It means Frequently Asked Questions, and they are a prime opportunity for the answers of the questions to get in one last plug...like....

Q: What do I do if my PC will not recognize my Verizon High Speed Wireless Internet Card?
A: At Verizon Wireless, we believe in high-quality, excellent products.  If your quality Verizon High Speed Wireless card is not being recognized by your PC, restart the PC.  If the problem persists, call the industry leading Verizon Wireless customer hot line at 1-800-Talli-Ban.

So, here is my first installment of Frequently Asked Questions.  These are questions that I have been asked quite frequently recently, and I assure you that my FAQs only have one agenda:  To verbally express my opinions, find other people that share those opinions, and form a gang of liked minded people large enough to require membership cards and a logo.  Pretty innocent, right?

Q: Why do you have a mustache?

A: Well, let me answer your question with a question.  Why do you want dudes to suffer and die from prostate cancer?  Because, I don't.  And I mean I don't want to suffer and die from prostate cancer and I don't want anyone else to either.  I'm not sure how long this has been going on, but every year, in the 11th month, people everywhere sport some upper lip carpet to "Change the face of men's health".  Check it out.  Also, I just bought an ice cream truck full of chloroform, so I thought this was the appropriate uniform.


Q: We are going to the Ram for lunch, do you want to go?
A: Absolutely not.  First, this would be a work function, which means my ordering a beer instead of a freaking Diet Coke with lemon will be frowned upon.  Secondly, the likelihood of me ordering something that I will enjoy is about as likely as our group receiving customer service that could even generously be labeled as "almost average".  And finally, that place (and most restaurants) are reverse gyms.  People go there, and if they are dedicated enough, they get fatter.  In fact, I think I have made a New Years resolution in the past to eat at out less often and to go to the gym more often.  I believe the typical life cycle of resolutions like this include, but are not limited to:  two and half weeks of diligent adherence (with Thursday and Friday of the third week off as a reward).  After three weeks, it is back to crushing half pound burgers covered in hickory smoked bacon (add $.75) and moving the gym bag from the car to the kitchen, but still feeling guilty about the infidelity to the resolution.  After four weeks, the gym bag moves back to the closet where it emerged from five weeks ago, and watching The Biggest Loser has officially taken the place of hitting the treadmill.  Sooo, no thank you.

Q: How has the British Pound performed compared to the US Dollar this year?
A: Pretty well, recently.  At the beginning of the year, the rate was around 1.62, but fell over 8% through August, which is when it started to recover.  At the end of November, it is nearly back to where it was at the beginning of the year.  The Pound's journey thus far in 2010 is not unlike the journey of one Mike Vick.  There are certainly obvious differences, and I am no currency expert, but I'm confident in saying that the Pound's decline through the middle months of this year were not due to the currency's conviction on federal dog fighting charges.  Equally, it's recovery has nothing to do with Vick's capacity to stay down, hit the film room, and be the player that Atlanta hoped he would become when they drafted him in 2001.

Tom out.