13 March 2010

Moats.

Australia has it right.  Hawaii has it right.  The 17th green at TPC Sawgrass has it right. Japan has it right.  Granted 75% of the entities mentioned here did nothing to get it right, they are just islands.

But I don't see them as islands.  I see them as plots of land protected by the best defense ever...the moat.

Herstmonceux Castle, Sussex, Rebuilt in 1777
You see that moat? Please explain to me how, in 1441, when this castle was originally built, the Department of Landscaping and Defence (as spelled in Sussex) knew the effectiveness and overall badassness of moats, but we don't use them now.  It is 2010 for some type of allegedly destiny controlling, omnipresent entity's sake, why are we not using moats?  It is a simple defense, here are some key elements:
  • some type of large, deep ditch filled with water, preferably SmartWater, because that will create a SmartMoat...I don't think I even need to tell the potential damage a SmartMoat could do.  
  • various occupants of the moat include, but are not limited to (Note: all occupants of the moat shall be enhanced by SmartWater when applicable):
    • alligators...the traditional choice
    • water moccosins
    • battleship and patrol boat located at D4-D8 and H10-H11, respectively
    • piranhas
    • frickin sharks with frickin laser beams attached to their heads
    • dudes with gold chains and AK-47s riding jet skis (imported directly from an episode of A-Team)
    • portugese man of wars
    • free style rapping clones of michael phelps
  • a draw bridge...I realize that Australia does not have a draw bridge.  But, it has kangaroos and dingos and whatnot, so the drawbridge requirement can be waived.
If moats were not the bees knees, why would there be a professional football player named after them?










What people don't realize is that Ryan Moats comes from a long line of Moats.  His ancestors worked primarily in personal security....

Tom out.

    8 comments:

    1. Freestylin' Phelps clones with the SmartWater upgrade? Can't be fucked with.

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    2. "all occupants of the moat shall be enhanced by SmartWater when applicable" haha classic

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    3. I just assumed Ryan Moats was fast so tacklers had trouble catching him. I did not realize it was Smart Water protecting him.

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    4. Ha! Moats. Awesome. I want one. I think I'll do that tomorrow- make a moat around my apartment.

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    5. John Boy - The problem with upgraded Phelps clones is that they do things like make horrible Subway commercials.

      Christina - I think you should go with SmartWater piranhas, smart and economical, like a the Honda Civic of moat dwellers.

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    6. I agree, the world needs more moats. Personally, I'd want some kind of dinosaur/dragon in mine.
      Even if I couldn't find a live one, maybe I could pay a guy to swim around in costume.
      Yes!
      Awesome.
      Consider that added to my to-do list.

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    7. my life won't be complete without a castle that's got a moat.

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    8. wanderingmenace - I thought my list of moat occupants exhausted all fantastic options. You have proven me wrong with paying a guy to dress up in a dragon costume. Cheers.

      BigShow - This will no doubt discount the standard "keeping up with the jones'" items like babies, dogs, and big houses that have hanging chains instead of gutters.

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