Semi-Failed Blog Swap...

Allow me a small introduction.  20somethingbloggers hosted/suggested a blog swap, I signed up, then promptly went on to fail in providing my partner a blog by the deadline of December 20th.  I sent my post today, so we'll see if my partner will have me back long enough to put my post up...without further ado, I present to you the smooth words of Samantha, from Zombie Sharknet.  Her latest post is this one, because I failed her...but you should check out the other posts, too...

Oh golly. This is an interesting one. I could go the traditional route and go on about how I’ve always wanted to get fit, but that would make for a ridiculously boring post so I’ll steer clear of that one. Let me think...

I have been putting off a lot of things. It’s kind of what I do (and don’t you dare lie and say you don’t do it too, because I can tell by the look in your little eyeballs that you’re exactly the same), so there are quite a few things to choose from.

A year and a half ago I started a course in Parapsychology, which I have yet to really begin. It’s via distance education, so it’s not like I’ve been wagging class and smoking behind the bike sheds instead of sitting down and getting stuck in so DON’T JUDGE ME! Ready for the excuses? I work full time. Sure, my job is boring and I never have enough work to do and could do my assignment then, but I’m always so tired, and when I’m bored at work I have NO motivation for assignments. I’m also doing a course for work that I have assignments for and they’re more important than this one, and I don’t have time to do two lots of assignments. I did bring all of my assignment paperwork to work so I could attempt to do it, but I haven’t gotten that far yet. AT LEAST I’M TRYING!

Yup. So uh, I should probably get onto that next year.

I’ve also been putting off that whole “get a new job” thing. I really don’t enjoy my job. As I mentioned before, I don’t really have a lot of work to do and that, my friends, is one of my biggest pet peeves. I amuse myself by having staring contests with the walls (they ALWAYS win! You’d think they’d let me win at least once, but noooo) and finding bugs in the office and making up amazing back stories for them. One killed himself in my coffee a few weeks ago because his wife left him and he lost him job. Poor fellow just couldn’t hack it.

Lately I’ve been writing letters to friends that usually feature a stupendous stick figure drawing. I know guys, you wish you could have a letter like that, but I just can’t write to everyone you know. But what I’m saying is: instead of overdosing on coffee, running off to the toilet every two minutes due to said coffee intake, finding insects and befriending them and singing songs about how crap my job is, I SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND FIND A NEW JOB!

While I will miss my little bug friends, I think finding a job I’ll be happy in will make up for it. The hard thing is finding that new job though, and I have a feeling that it will be quite the difficult task. Like seriously, this is stressing me out more than trying to think of new names for my bugs, and that’s a pretty stressful task. For realsies.

What else? Hm. Oh yes. QUIT SMOKING, YOU DIRTY TRAMP. I’ve told my boyfriend that in March I shall quit, so I now have to follow through with that. I am not looking forward to it. Smoking is horrendous, I know this, but it helps me feel less anxious and awkward and gives me something to do with my hands when I’m nervous. I sure am full of excuses today. I’ll be off to Thailand in a week, so I can’t go giving up smoking now when I can buy a packet of cancerous goodness for $2! Yeah, I know, cheap right? I’m sadly excited.

That my friends, is what I need to get a move on with next year. You know, when I get back from Thailand and have recovered from all the relaxing I’ll be doing. Oh my god, this post is basically me whining all about shit I need to do to. Ah, you asked little ones, whether you know it or not, so leave me to wallow in self pity and maybe I’ll motivate my face to get a move on. MAYBE. I’m not promising you anything, so if I don’t go ahead with anything you can’t get mad at me because I haven’t promised! Ha!

Alright, I shall hand Ninja In A Mazda his blog back. I’m sure he’ll want to discuss my post in detail, and chronicle how it made him feel every step of the way. Or maybe he’ll just forget that this whole thing ever happened by getting rip roaringly drunk and passing out for a week and then continuing on with his blog as usual. Either way, I’m happy. Goodbye cupcakes.

FAQ

Factually Accurate Quips?  Foreign Assignment Queries?  Functionally Allowed Quantities?  Flying African Quails?  Family Activity Quotas?  Formidable ......enough.  It means Frequently Asked Questions, and they are a prime opportunity for the answers of the questions to get in one last plug...like....

Q: What do I do if my PC will not recognize my Verizon High Speed Wireless Internet Card?
A: At Verizon Wireless, we believe in high-quality, excellent products.  If your quality Verizon High Speed Wireless card is not being recognized by your PC, restart the PC.  If the problem persists, call the industry leading Verizon Wireless customer hot line at 1-800-Talli-Ban.

So, here is my first installment of Frequently Asked Questions.  These are questions that I have been asked quite frequently recently, and I assure you that my FAQs only have one agenda:  To verbally express my opinions, find other people that share those opinions, and form a gang of liked minded people large enough to require membership cards and a logo.  Pretty innocent, right?

Q: Why do you have a mustache?

A: Well, let me answer your question with a question.  Why do you want dudes to suffer and die from prostate cancer?  Because, I don't.  And I mean I don't want to suffer and die from prostate cancer and I don't want anyone else to either.  I'm not sure how long this has been going on, but every year, in the 11th month, people everywhere sport some upper lip carpet to "Change the face of men's health".  Check it out.  Also, I just bought an ice cream truck full of chloroform, so I thought this was the appropriate uniform.


Q: We are going to the Ram for lunch, do you want to go?
A: Absolutely not.  First, this would be a work function, which means my ordering a beer instead of a freaking Diet Coke with lemon will be frowned upon.  Secondly, the likelihood of me ordering something that I will enjoy is about as likely as our group receiving customer service that could even generously be labeled as "almost average".  And finally, that place (and most restaurants) are reverse gyms.  People go there, and if they are dedicated enough, they get fatter.  In fact, I think I have made a New Years resolution in the past to eat at out less often and to go to the gym more often.  I believe the typical life cycle of resolutions like this include, but are not limited to:  two and half weeks of diligent adherence (with Thursday and Friday of the third week off as a reward).  After three weeks, it is back to crushing half pound burgers covered in hickory smoked bacon (add $.75) and moving the gym bag from the car to the kitchen, but still feeling guilty about the infidelity to the resolution.  After four weeks, the gym bag moves back to the closet where it emerged from five weeks ago, and watching The Biggest Loser has officially taken the place of hitting the treadmill.  Sooo, no thank you.

Q: How has the British Pound performed compared to the US Dollar this year?
A: Pretty well, recently.  At the beginning of the year, the rate was around 1.62, but fell over 8% through August, which is when it started to recover.  At the end of November, it is nearly back to where it was at the beginning of the year.  The Pound's journey thus far in 2010 is not unlike the journey of one Mike Vick.  There are certainly obvious differences, and I am no currency expert, but I'm confident in saying that the Pound's decline through the middle months of this year were not due to the currency's conviction on federal dog fighting charges.  Equally, it's recovery has nothing to do with Vick's capacity to stay down, hit the film room, and be the player that Atlanta hoped he would become when they drafted him in 2001.

Tom out.